you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
