The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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