Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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