i jhust puked up my retainher.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
