dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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