I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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