if i can run in heels then i can drive
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
