Sry I called you an 8
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
