She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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