Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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