omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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