I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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