I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
