forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
