God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
