Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
