I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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