Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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