You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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