Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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