I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
