On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
