I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
