I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
