we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
