You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
