Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
