My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
