Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
