Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
