well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
