6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
