I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
