ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
