I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
