This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
