I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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