You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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