Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
