So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
