He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
