I queefed so loud it echoed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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