you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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