woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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