Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
