Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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