You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
