Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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