this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
