She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
