and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.