If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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