i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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