Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
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The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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