So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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