I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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