Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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