True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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