I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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