Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
