Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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