my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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