she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
